After 60 pounds lost, I am trying to figure out how to make my clothes last longer. I had held onto some clothes that were too tight for years, in the hopes that one day I would be back down to that size. Now that I have gotten into them, they are quickly becoming too loose, which is great but is making me wonder how many times I will have to purchase items that will have a very limited life span in my closet. I bought some jeans this week, my oldest son doesn’t even remember me ever wearing jeans, I did but not often and it has been enough years that he wasn’t paying attention. I am moving from the elastic waist pants, that have no definition to pants with real waists, buttons and zippers. It is exciting and nerve wracking. I am also going to have to invest in some new shirts, for years my tops have been over sized t-shirts that hid away my fat and figure from the world. Now I am moving into new territory, well, new again, I need shirts that don’t swallow me whole or hide me from the world, but that I can move in and be active in, and look good in. I have to get used to the idea that I can be seen. For years I was hiding and didn’t even realize or acknowledge it, now I want to be out there, not flaunting anything but not hiding anything either. So, my closet is waiting, my clothes hanging there in overcrowded rows waiting for me to come through and weed out the things I will not be using anymore. It is almost like changing the eating plan, this is the next step in becoming a new me, changing my clothing. I want to be comfortable without compromising appearance, I want to be mildly stylish on occasion, without looking like I am trying to be 20 again, and I want to feel good about how I look, when I see my reflection. I am working on the hardest part, my body, a 60 pound thinner me is a great start, now to lose the next 20 and the 20 after that and so on, until I am at a weight where I can honestly say I am good. I hadn’t factored in the mental/emotional exercise of changing my wardrobe, slowly switching and then switching again as I go through sizes, until I am finally where I was headed all along. Thinner, with clothes that fit and flatter, and that reflect who I am. I am getting there, I am moving on, my new jeans this week was a big step, I will keep on walking.

For years I held onto clothes so that “when I lost my weight” I could wear them again. “When I lose my weight” or “when I get thin” or any other wishful statement that seemed to imply I was going to do anything about my weight. It turns out that you have to actually actively change something to lose weight and get fit. I didn’t have to think about it to gain the weight, if I had been thinking, maybe I would never have gotten as large as I was. Losing weight, changing everything about your habits to lose weight and get fit, takes a lot of effort at first, a lot of thought, at first. Now, after 5 months and 60 pounds, it doesn’t feel like work, it feels like habit, now as I move toward each new goal with new excitement and confidence, it doesn’t feel like I am doing anything special. I know that is not the case, I can list the behaviors I changed to get this far, and they are behaviors I don’t plan on ever picking up again. I am logging everything I eat and drink in my phone, I also log my workouts and my weight. I think about my food and exercise, my water and my new habits as lifelong and will not go back to not thinking, even as these new behaviors do become so much habit that they no longer feel like work. At first I kept track of everything because I needed to teach myself how to control my diet and exercise, I needed a constant reminder to behave, a physical display that told me if I had met my goals for the day or not, now, I have a pretty good idea of how I am doing, now I don’t log everything because I am afraid of failing if I don’t, now I log everything because it feels good to do it. It is nice at the end of a week, when I get my little week in review and I can see which days I did best and which days I slacked off, if I did. I don’t slack off like I used to, I don’t eat things that I shouldn’t, or drink things that I shouldn’t, but maybe I ate more of something that is good for me, than I planned, but I can see it, and make adjustments if I need to. I am a new me, already living in a healthier manner, but I am still in change, losing weight, working out to get fit, and learning how to be who I should be. I am doing what I have to do, to get where I want to go. I had to take control, and now that I have, I feel better and more confident than I ever did. Now, I don’t say, “when I lose my weight” as if it is some vague idea that lives in my mind but that will never come to pass because I am never going to get off my butt and do anything about it, now I know, I am on my way, I have come so far, and I will keep moving forward because it is no longer work, it is who I am today. I will not go back, because I didn’t like it there, I will keep going because it looks and feels so much better.